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Find your life purpose, find your life direction 

May 9, 2023
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One of the most important things I can do as a counselor for those struggling with sex addiction and betrayal is provide direction.  And not just any direction, but a fundamental direction; life’s purpose.  When clients’ life purpose becomes clear they have life direction.  A goal to achieve.  And with such a goal in mind they can begin to make decisions, evaluate those decisions, and determine if they are on course or not.  

The life purpose I am talking about is what I call Core.  Core is what we are made of.  It is at our core.  And because we are made of it we seek it as our most fundamental desire.  And, if we are made of it, we are fueled by it.  And when we are fueled by it, we run like a finely tuned engine.  But when we are fueled by something else, we tend to experience a lot of emotional problems.  

It is almost impossible to define Core in a few words.  We have found that Core is more of a concept than it is a hard and fast definition.  It can be most helpful to describe Core in many different ways then to try and describe it in a one or two sentence description.  The better you understand Core the more clear your life direction.  The clearer your life direction the easier it is to get where you want to go.  

Core is love.  It is kindness.  It is patience.  It is wisdom.  It is truth.  It seeks the best interest of all.  It is strong and powerful.  It can hold boundaries.  It is fun and playful.  It is serious when necessary.  

The big question is how this applies to healing from sex addiction and betrayal.  And the answer isn’t so simple.  But I’ll do my best.  If Core is your most fundamental desire, then whether a sex addict or having been betrayed, everything you’ve thought of, said, or done has been in the pursuit of Core.  Basically you’ve wanted to feel better.  Sex feels good so people get addicted to it believing consciously or subconsciously that sex makes life great.  The problem with that concept is sex addiction actually destroys lives.  Those who have been betrayed hurt so terribly.  And in the pursuit of healing they do a lot of things (rightfully so) to feel better.  They yell, scream, throw things, hit, shut down, clean, stalk, check emails, voicemails, texts, locations just to name a few.  And the result is more pain.  The point is, we seek Core not knowing what it really is, believing we’ll achieve it, but we don’t because we can’t.  We don’t know what we’re really after and we don’t know how to really achieve it.  

If you are going to heal you need to know what you are aiming for and you need to know how to achieve it.  It’s like when you’re hiking in the wilderness.  You have a destination in mind, and you have a compass to make sure you are always headed the right way.  

When utilizing Core as your life’s purpose you may ask yourself questions like; Am I at Core right now?  I’m I treating my partner with kindness whether he or she deserves it or not?  Am I patient with my partner’s recovery?  Am I using wisdom when I make recovery decisions?  Is what I am thinking and believing actually true?  Am I looking after the best interest of all in this moment right now?  Am I standing up for what is right?  Am I protecting myself and others when it is necessary?  Can I still enjoy life?  Am I being loving?  Do I know the recovery work that truthfully heals?  Am I willing to do what it takes no matter what it is, at the right pace for me?

There is so much to learn in recovery.  I’ve heard it said that the beginning of recovery is like drinking from a fire hose.  But no matter how much information there is out there, the most important thing you can learn is where you are headed.  Know that you are ultimately a loving being that seeks love, that wants to be loving.  If you can have this in mind on your journey, it will guide you.  You will make a ton of mistakes.  But love is forgiving.  You will make a ton of mistakes.  But love doesn’t give up.  It keeps on improving.  For yourself.  For your partner.  For your family and friends.

I love you.  I’m rooting for your healing.